Okay everyone, prepare for a post that is all over the place. Because, that is the condition of my brain at the moment. Bear with me, I'm certain there's a point. And hopefully, that point will hit home and either help you or at least let you know that you're not alone.
I know that I am not the only one to have asked myself this question; even this week (which is only halfway through). In the middle of this rather uneventful week, I have found myself also in the middle of an existential semi-crisis.
The week has been typical. Work, sleep, eat, taking care of business, running errands.... but I started feeling low. I don't know why, maybe it's chemical. I have had contact with friends and family that I love. I had an interview that went well at a company that I am excited about possibly working with to support the elderly (a demographic close to my heart), my relationship is at a high point.... so why am I feeling useless and trapped?
Like many of you, I am a young adult working toward a goal. I hustle daily. I work crazy hours at work, I try to stay on top of bills, I go to to class (after enrolling and applying for all the scholarships). This what I do.
Yesterday, out of curiosity, I looked up the requirements to become a foster parent in my area. I qualify, "But I don't think I can do it successfully". That thought caused a breakdown. Then some perhaps irrational thoughts followed suit. "I'm helpless. There are so many problems in the world. Life is so short. WHAT AM I DOING?" What can I do to maximize the value of my time?
On the outside, people say that I come across as "having it together". But that is NOT how it feels on the inside. I crave adventure, I crave helping the maximum amount of people in the biggest ways possible, I want things and I want them now. But progress seems so slow.
Everyone says, "it's okay, you're doing what you can." but in the midst of this, not only do I feel weak , I feel like a liar. I keep pretending I have it all together. I'm probably short-selling myself with the procrastination and lack of motivation in this season of uncertainty and anxiety. But, I guess the best thing is to push your own limits (says the girl typing a blog in her pajamas on her bed).
What do we do when this uncertainty hits? Do we "fake it 'til we make it"? Do we apply a fresh coat of whitewash while we work on the internal darkness and turmoil? I don't know, honestly. If you know, let me know. For now, it may be best to continue pushing on. "Time waits for no one".
My mother always said, "life is a choice". Maybe I need to toughen up and choose to work harder, put in more effort and stop complaining? I'll try it and let you know the results in the future. I have a feeling these themes of purpose, tough choices, and pushing yourself are going to be showing up a lot in future posts.
Thanks for spending a few of your valuable minutes with me today.
"If it's endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining."
- Marcus Aurelius